Insecure, or just being more private??
Haven't been blogging for a while now. Considering that I've almost always spent the night out for the past 3 weeks (& consequently sleeping on the couch at a friend's place) or returning at obscene hours in the morning (the record is 7 a.m. in the morning!), there is not really much time that I can dedicate to myself. I finally have some time off today because one of our regular 'gang' members has to go out to have dinner with her friends. It's not until this moment that I feel that private time are important too to keep yourself sane....
Back to the pt. We were having a late night conversation about relationships at a fren's place and one of the girls in the group suddenly asked me about my ex-gfs. The first question was how many gfs have I had in the past. I took some time to recall all of them and before I could answer they had moved on to ask another person. The same girl then came back and asked me whether I've finished counting. Now, considering that this wasn't that hard a question, I wondered myself why did I take so long to even consider it. I realise that I'm a more private person than everyone in the group, mainly because I've just recently joined them and as my cousins put it, 'have not adjusted to their frequencies yet'. It also doesn't help that the girl who asked the question was the one I'm interested in going after, which therefore means I have to put in a lot more thoughts before answering. However, I think the main reason to my hesistance was because I was feeling insecure: would they still be friends with me, and would that jeopardise my chance of going after that girl, if I reveal my somewhat dark history?
Insecurity. This is one of the worst feelings to have when you are dealing with people within a group. It feels like you have committed a heinous crime and there is no way that you could get it past yourself. That's right. The worst feeling sets in when you are deceiving yourself, not others. All of us have lied about ourselves before, mainly because you want to look 'cool' and get your friends' acceptance. We've also told lies to get us past the difficult situations because it is always so much easier to do that rather than telling the truth. However, guilt will inevitably set in. It's just a matter of time, & when that happens, it will give someone much more pain than the initial elation they get from the lies.
I have told many lies in my lifetime, and slowly they are coming back to haunt me. When you build a lie on top of another, the compound effects gets so scary that sometimes you don't now what you're lying for, and who are you lying to anymore. It's a bit like the book 'The talented Mr Ripley', in which the main character keeps on piling lies on top of one another but got away with it in the end. However, real life is not really like a story book, and there is no 'back' button to press when you wish you had not done something. Therefore, I really think it's time for me to be truthful to myself and stop cloaking my appearance to everyone else. I really don't want to feel insecure about my past anymore and to do that I have to express myself more in front of my friends and stop hiding details that might alienate them. Afterall, if they are really my friends, I believe that they would not mind my past, just as how I've accepted them after hearing their own individual versions of their dark histories...
Back to the pt. We were having a late night conversation about relationships at a fren's place and one of the girls in the group suddenly asked me about my ex-gfs. The first question was how many gfs have I had in the past. I took some time to recall all of them and before I could answer they had moved on to ask another person. The same girl then came back and asked me whether I've finished counting. Now, considering that this wasn't that hard a question, I wondered myself why did I take so long to even consider it. I realise that I'm a more private person than everyone in the group, mainly because I've just recently joined them and as my cousins put it, 'have not adjusted to their frequencies yet'. It also doesn't help that the girl who asked the question was the one I'm interested in going after, which therefore means I have to put in a lot more thoughts before answering. However, I think the main reason to my hesistance was because I was feeling insecure: would they still be friends with me, and would that jeopardise my chance of going after that girl, if I reveal my somewhat dark history?
Insecurity. This is one of the worst feelings to have when you are dealing with people within a group. It feels like you have committed a heinous crime and there is no way that you could get it past yourself. That's right. The worst feeling sets in when you are deceiving yourself, not others. All of us have lied about ourselves before, mainly because you want to look 'cool' and get your friends' acceptance. We've also told lies to get us past the difficult situations because it is always so much easier to do that rather than telling the truth. However, guilt will inevitably set in. It's just a matter of time, & when that happens, it will give someone much more pain than the initial elation they get from the lies.
I have told many lies in my lifetime, and slowly they are coming back to haunt me. When you build a lie on top of another, the compound effects gets so scary that sometimes you don't now what you're lying for, and who are you lying to anymore. It's a bit like the book 'The talented Mr Ripley', in which the main character keeps on piling lies on top of one another but got away with it in the end. However, real life is not really like a story book, and there is no 'back' button to press when you wish you had not done something. Therefore, I really think it's time for me to be truthful to myself and stop cloaking my appearance to everyone else. I really don't want to feel insecure about my past anymore and to do that I have to express myself more in front of my friends and stop hiding details that might alienate them. Afterall, if they are really my friends, I believe that they would not mind my past, just as how I've accepted them after hearing their own individual versions of their dark histories...
posted by leonhart @ 10:10 PM
1 Comments:
At 4:03 PM,
Lil Mis A said…
its okay to feel insecure. everyone feels insecure sometime. everyone have their own private thoughts. you don't have to feel pressured or insecure to tell your friends things about you. you tell them stuff that you are comfortable with n comfortable with them knowing it. a true friend should respect you n like you the way you are.
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