Current thoughts: June 28, 2005 ---> antisocial (part 1)
I view my life as a series of missions. When I was younger, my mission was to get into my parents' good books, & by that I have to please them, which meant that I had to beat all my peers in the studies because I thought that would be what they wanted me to do. I achieved that and I was proud of my achievement, but yet it didn't make me feel happier to know that I'm 'better' than my friends in 'reciting & regurtitating' the so-called 'facts' in the books. I became disillusioned at that time & I had to find some new objectives in life so that I could focus again...
Didn't manage to find that when I was still in Indonesia. My parents then sent me to Singapore and that changed my life completely. During the 1st year, I again tried hard to beat everyone in the school, & succeeded. As was my previous experience, that short moment of 'fake' happiness soon passed, & my thoughts were again thrown into the wilderness. I soon began not to stress over studies at all & just took it as it came. Rankings at school plummeted, yet I didn't feel the need to buck up & work harder. Instead, I seeked solace in the form of my friends' company. Well, my so-called 'friends' at that time anyway...
After the final exam on my 5th year, all of us were separated. Some stayed on in Singapore, some moved to USA, some went back to Indonesia, & I came to Australia. We had a farewell dinner before all of us left and we made a 'pledge' to keep contacting each other even though we are all far apart now. A bunch of liars...
I'm still in contact only with a few of them now, a few Singaporean and 1 Indonesian. All of the others who made the pledge that day, which still carried so much memories for me, either simply dissapeared or do not want to be 'disturbed' as they move on in their lives....
This episode of my life changed my views of people in general. I'm much more careful in using the word 'friend' since then. Sometimes I wonder am I demanding too much because I just want to know how my good friends were doing at the other side of the world. They simply couldn't be bothered about replying to our (me & 1 other Sydney friend who I still keep in touch with) mails despite our repeated efforts to reach them...
I received an email from one of my other friends last time detailing about how his friends had also moved on with their lives & that they don't keep in touch with each other anymore. Having stayed for considerable amount of time in 3 different countries, I can say that most of the people I have made 'friends' with were the type that would only befriend you in that 'setting' (By that I mean the same situation, place & time). If we leave that 'setting' later on, at least a large percentage of us would not think back of the beautiful memories that we shared as they move on to other groups.
Having experienced this, I become very wary of who do I choose to make friends with. My housemate once asked me why I'm so antisocial when we were in Trinity. I did not have an answer for that question at that time. After I studied Psychology in Trinity, I learnt that human actually shut out their painful memories and lock it in the sub-conscious region. However, the feeling would still linger around if a person is placed in the same situation even though they might not recall the event itself. For me, I have the bad dream of having both the memory and the thought stuck in my mind forever....
However, I did learn something out of the event. I became aware of who my real friends are, those that I believe will play a part in the next chapters of my life and also share their joy and pain with me. Since then, I've made it a priority in my life to help friends in need, because I believe they'll do the exact same thing for me if I ever need their help in the future...
Didn't manage to find that when I was still in Indonesia. My parents then sent me to Singapore and that changed my life completely. During the 1st year, I again tried hard to beat everyone in the school, & succeeded. As was my previous experience, that short moment of 'fake' happiness soon passed, & my thoughts were again thrown into the wilderness. I soon began not to stress over studies at all & just took it as it came. Rankings at school plummeted, yet I didn't feel the need to buck up & work harder. Instead, I seeked solace in the form of my friends' company. Well, my so-called 'friends' at that time anyway...
After the final exam on my 5th year, all of us were separated. Some stayed on in Singapore, some moved to USA, some went back to Indonesia, & I came to Australia. We had a farewell dinner before all of us left and we made a 'pledge' to keep contacting each other even though we are all far apart now. A bunch of liars...
I'm still in contact only with a few of them now, a few Singaporean and 1 Indonesian. All of the others who made the pledge that day, which still carried so much memories for me, either simply dissapeared or do not want to be 'disturbed' as they move on in their lives....
This episode of my life changed my views of people in general. I'm much more careful in using the word 'friend' since then. Sometimes I wonder am I demanding too much because I just want to know how my good friends were doing at the other side of the world. They simply couldn't be bothered about replying to our (me & 1 other Sydney friend who I still keep in touch with) mails despite our repeated efforts to reach them...
I received an email from one of my other friends last time detailing about how his friends had also moved on with their lives & that they don't keep in touch with each other anymore. Having stayed for considerable amount of time in 3 different countries, I can say that most of the people I have made 'friends' with were the type that would only befriend you in that 'setting' (By that I mean the same situation, place & time). If we leave that 'setting' later on, at least a large percentage of us would not think back of the beautiful memories that we shared as they move on to other groups.
Having experienced this, I become very wary of who do I choose to make friends with. My housemate once asked me why I'm so antisocial when we were in Trinity. I did not have an answer for that question at that time. After I studied Psychology in Trinity, I learnt that human actually shut out their painful memories and lock it in the sub-conscious region. However, the feeling would still linger around if a person is placed in the same situation even though they might not recall the event itself. For me, I have the bad dream of having both the memory and the thought stuck in my mind forever....
However, I did learn something out of the event. I became aware of who my real friends are, those that I believe will play a part in the next chapters of my life and also share their joy and pain with me. Since then, I've made it a priority in my life to help friends in need, because I believe they'll do the exact same thing for me if I ever need their help in the future...
posted by leonhart @ 10:08 PM
2 Comments:
At 6:02 PM,
Lil Mis A said…
things like this happens alot. some pplz just moves on. its only the close n true friends that always stays in touch no matter what. it is also them that will appreciate what you do for them n being there for them in happy times n sad. n vice versa. its hard to find these friends, but once they are here, they stay for life. :)
At 10:50 PM,
Lil Mis A said…
wow kitty! u wrote heaps! more then your blog. you should come an academic too! yes, don't expect pplz to give as much as they get. i guess in ways you would need to lower expectations for less dissappointment.
hendry, you are not anti-social. you are quite easy going. i guess it might also depend on who is around you that time. some pplz you can just talk talk talk with them about nearly everything while others may vary.
Post a Comment
<< Home